As a 45-year-old woman, I look back on my experience with Playboy with a sense of gratitude and absolutely no regrets. It is crazy to think that after 22 years, I am still signing autographs from my centerfold. Looking back, it is funny that when Playboy first approached me, it did not seem like a big deal. This was before the internet was what it is today, and I was following in the footsteps of some of the most iconic women in history, such as Marilyn Monroe, Janet Jackson, Elle Macpherson, Cindy Crawford, and Madonna.
I always end up giving people Playboy 101, because being a centerfold was much different than being a Playboy model. We were one of 12, the fold-out, and acknowledged by the brand. You could only wear the bunny costume if you were a centerfold, among other things. When I shot for Playboy, it took over a month of 8-hour days. Hair, makeup, lighting, the old-school way of shooting: it all had to be just right, and we did not have the technology we have today.
I never felt insecure about being naked, and it helped that Playboy was so professional. However, I did not think through the fact that my photos would be in print forever. I was thinking more about the brand, the money, and how it could help me get out of a situation I was in at the time. It was a simple time back then, just a few photos in the magazine. Then the internet came along, and all the unpublished outtakes were suddenly out there for anyone to see.
After Hef died, any protection we had from people stealing our photos was gone, and they were pirated. I remember a party where a few women I barely knew gathered around a computer and looked me up. After that, a few of them started to spread rumors.
It is hard for me to wrap my brain around the fact that I am a sex symbol or that people can see me naked. Most of the time when I see photos of myself, I laugh. I was bloated, I had just had my wisdom teeth out, or I had a bad makeup artist. I felt like I had to write about this because after more than two decades I recently did two signings, and a friend asked how I felt about it.
People are quick to judge, but Playboy was a process. I was surrounded by professionals and an icon, and none of it ever seemed weird or dirty. I do not regret it. I would not be where I am now without it. I was in a dark place surrounded by bad people, and my back was against the wall. With that seven-page spread, and a man in a robe as my guardian angel, I became Miss August 2001. Along with the support of my own family came instant money, fame, and the Playboy family that I feel saved my life.
If I had to do it all again, the only thing I might do differently is hire a different hair stylist. I used to hide the fact that I did Playboy, but now I own it. Playboy was a turning point in my life, and I will always be grateful for the opportunity it gave me, and for the sisterhood that exists today.
